Grief and Loss: Loss of a Child

Losing a child is the most devastating pain a parent can face. It steals their past, changes their future forever, and the grief may last a lifetime. There are many types of loss, including miscarriage, stillbirth, kidnapping, violence, accidents, and illness. And because it’s unnatural for a parent to outlive their child, even the death of an adult child can be crushing.

What Does Grief Look Like?

No two people will grieve the same way, and each person’s timetable for healing will be different. Cultural norms, religious beliefs, and the specifics of how the child died can all influence how a parent grieves. In some instances, such as an illness or accident, a parent visibly loses their child. In other cases, such as a miscarriage, the loss can be less visible, but it’s no less painful.

There are typically five main stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Grieving is intensely personal, and no one should determine what is “grief-worthy” for another. There are also many underlying layers. Parents will mourn the child, but they will also experience additional feelings of loss, such as the child’s smell, voice, laugh, cry, and future memories that will never have a chance to be made.

Symptoms of Parental Grief

Losing a child can result in a number of emotional responses. Parents can be depressed, angry, shocked or confused. Many struggle with feelings of guilt and fear for their other children’s health or safety. Some parents may resent families with healthy children, feel that life is meaningless, or question their faith and beliefs. They can become angry with their spouse for grieving and coping differently than they do.

There are a variety of physical symptoms that can accompany grief as well, such as changes in sleeping or eating patterns, loss of appetite, lack of concentration, and fatigue. Some parents may no longer enjoy the activities they used to love. And if symptoms worsen, they may even contemplate suicide.

Help for the Grieving Process

Though parents will always mourn the loss of a child to some degree, healing is possible. The following is a list of helpful insights:

• Seek support. You don’t need to mourn alone. Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Family therapists and counselors have special knowledge that can guide you through the grieving process in a healthy way. Communities of faith also provide an outlet to share your feelings. Support groups are often a safe place to meet others going through the same experience.
• Keep a routine. When you’re grieving, stability is important. Having some fun, comforting, and familiar activities to look forward to can help you and any other children feel a measure of normalcy.
• Stay open. Talking about your child might seem difficult at first, but remembering them can help the healing process. When memories and stories are brought up, use your child’s name and reminisce openly with others. Never feel like you are inconveniencing others with your grief.
• Plan for holidays. Special days, holidays, and your child’s birthday will be difficult, especially the first year. Plan ahead for this time. How do you want to remember your child? Would you like to be home or away, occupied or contemplative? The best plan for these kind of days is anything that will benefit you and your family’s healing.
• Say no to guilt. Don’t beat yourself up when housework or other responsibilities slide. When you need help, ask for it. People might want to help but not know how. Be specific or give examples when you ask for support.
• Care for other children. Here are some things to consider when you have additional children:
  
  
  • Include them. Siblings will each grieve in their own way. Ask if they want to participate in a memorial service or find another way to honor their sibling. This gives them a chance to remember their sibling, validate their sense of loss, and move toward healing.
  • Avoid comparison. Children should never be compared to their sibling who died. If they are, they may assume the responsibility of trying to fill the void and replace the child you have lost.
  • Be aware. Some parents will cling to their other children and be overprotective out of fear. Others may be overly permissive. If you feel like you can’t give your other children the attention they need, ask a friend or family member to help.
  • Reach out for help. Counseling or therapy can also help give children healthy ways to grieve.

The pain of mourning a child may last a lifetime, but there are ways to find meaning after the loss. Consider how you might want to honor your child’s life and create a lasting legacy. Some parents might hold a memorial service, volunteer, or contribute to a cause their child appreciated. Any way that reminds a grieving parent of their child in a healthy, positive manner will help their transition process toward the acceptance of their death.

Looking for more information? Check out these resources:

American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Grieving the loss of a child Opens in a new window. Accessed January 26, 2023.

Cancer.net. Grieving the loss of a child Opens in a new window. Accessed January 26, 2023.

National Library of Medicine. Bereavement experiences after the death of a child Opens in a new window. Accessed January 26, 2023.

Last updated: February 10, 2023

By: © Amplified Life Media. Reprinted with permission. All rights reserved.